Fortunes Without Cookies

Random sentences generated by the Entertainment-Calculator

Note to self, invent flavoured nail polish for nervous people

My psychiatrist says my menacing laugh is very concerning, and i was like listen bitch i already told you I'm only paying you to be my alibi

A dog's name should not be more than 2 syllables, if you give your dog a name with 3 or more syllables you are an obnoxious asshole and your dog probably wants to run away.

5 genders 1 cup

Honey, I shrunk my penis - rated R, coming to theatres soon...

It's not a joint officer, it's a hemp paper maché

There should be a warning label at the beach that shows your step by step what to do in the event that you accidentally tilt your head back and open your mouth and a seagull flying by shits into your throat.

Panic buying is the new black friday

Gluten free Scooby Snacks

If you plugged country music to one of those lie detector needle graph drawing things it basically creates the same vibrations that constipation does.

There should be a burger king kids club full length movie

In your next life will be a bar tender that does card tricks while serving drinks

Useless invention idea, a network switch for cup string phones

Hoes that go rogue

If you've ever finger fucked your cousin while your uncle watched, you might be Jeff Foxworthy

I think Doom would be alot scarier if all the monsters had dicks, i mean it's already rated R i don't get why they're being all shy about it

Cocoa Crunching is when you mix cocoa pebbles and captain crunch in the same bowl and you eat it while asphyxiating yourself with a scarf

There should be an arthritis medicine commercial where a thug is throwing west side but then his hand is hurting

Teaching meatheads to memorize algebra equations is easy, just phrase it like a quarterback yelling a play, f minus 32... divided by 1.8... equals celcius, hike!

Emo spice girls be like "slice up yo life"

To where is likely that the cowboys have gone off to? (weeping noise)

When Lora Croft accidentally swapped backpacks with Dora The Explorer and now she's being held in questioning the airport

Yo dad so fruity in the booty there was an earthquake warning so he plunged his suction cup dildo to the wall and strapped in

Ok, i need a boomerang, a harmonica, a wireless microphone, and some duct tape. i going to try something...

if i was a millionaire... i would travel to Africa and introduce a primitive village to the concept of the Urkle. once every 12th year a new Urkle will be chosen. the Urkle will be responsible for all advances in village science and discoveries.

justin bieber > post malone

Every time i eat at McDonald's i feel like I'm on Fear Factor eating animal testicle

Blockbuster is having the last laugh

Hoochie and the blow dish

When you're a police sketch artist deep in a passionate trance of your work but when you snap out of it you realize you just drew a vainy penis riding a horse on a beach back drop - 50 Shades of Horse Mane, rated R.

i wonder if anyone has ever had to suck the snake venom out of someone else's snake bite to keep them alive but then accidentally swallowed it?

i think paintings of spaghetti are about to make a big comeback

there ought to have been a cross over episode where Jackie from roseanne and Kramer from seinfeld go on a date

note to self, invent flavored nail polish for nervous people

My penis is rated R

Arby's motto should be "we got the meat sweats"

Have you or someone you know supported a shitty local band by purchasing their album or buying a ticket to their show because they over hyped themselves but then they went nowhere and faded away? You may be eligible for a court ordered refund. Call whoopie goldberg and osborn

Adderall, official sponsors of chess at the Olympics

if you're ever being held at gun point, just yawn because that will cause the mugger to yawn, that's when you make your move.

when i order a medium drink and pay and then they ask what size drink i had, i always go large

Essential workers are the new first responders

when you're watching an intense match of table tennis but you have to turn down the volume cause you don't want your neighbours to think you're watching porn

you should get a bumper sticker that says i brake just for fun

Ever notice subzero or scorpion never caught corona virus?

i believe in bathrooms without boarders, indecent exposay, whipped out my dick and now you're gay, wiped my ass with a seashell, you can still hear the peanut butter trail, slime is just another form of time, wine dine and savour my nut comes in 3 different flavors

i think when aliens finally find earth they will probably want to the dolphins instead of us.

when i drink coffee i'm all into algebra, but when i'm smoking weed i'm more into geometry. i wish i had some acid.

I'm sick of seeing Ellen DeGeneres everywhere, if she's not gonna star in a dennis the menace reboot than i don't care.

Butch Bitches 7: Dingle Berry Bushes

When you're 3 days into a hunger strike but then you realized you forgot to tell people about it and now you have to start over, try Wendy's chicken bacon cheese drip butter coated crispy sandwich.

yo mama such a hoe, she walked onto the stage of The Price Is Right and the other contestants started bidding on her

when you're supposed to be social distancing but you're also contact high

i'd like to go on the show Fear Factor to perform acts of humiliation, because it will feel kinky days later when i look back on it.

Airplane food, am i right? Like, why can't there just be a restaurant that serves it?

Bad Words For Nice People

A random assortment of jokes and short stories

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All music is the work of collaborator Bionightmare.

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